Our Open Letter To The FCC Commissioner

Dear FCC Commissioner Brendan Carr,

We wanted to thank you for your weekend message on social media that not-so-subtly warned those U.S. broadcasters who aren’t playing ball in covering all the great accomplishments of the current War in Iran. It is about time that someone leading the Federal Communications Commission had the fortitude to clarify that if a federal administration in power can’t keep the people who own and operate the nation’s TV and radio stations from questioning the party line, then those stations need to be taken off the airwaves as soon as possible.

You put it best when you said: “The American people have subsidized broadcasters to the tune of billions of dollars by providing free access to the nation’s airwaves.” Don’t pay attention to those bozos who will point out that the owners of radio and TV outlets have had to pay for their licenses each year with fees to the FCC. And don’t give one thought to their claims of having done all that work to keep the public informed in the event of an emergency.

That’s all just noise designed to distract you, especially after you went down to Mar-A-Lago this weekend to apparently consult firsthand with the Commander-In-Chief about this growing problem.

(Lucky for us that CNN’s Brian Stelter happened to be on the same flight with you out of Fort Lauderdale to ask you firsthand about what you were doing in Florida. Aside from sending out something on your X account on Saturday afternoon.)

You go right ahead and let them know that these “hoaxes and news distortions” will not be tolerated. And certainly, your not-too-veiled threat about broadcasters covering the next elections will lead them to pay more attention to all the absolutely proven rigging and ineligible votes being counted. That 9% trust in “legacy media” can be a lot better if things change right quick. Thank goodness Secretary of War Hegseth knows this too, as he openly roots for David Ellison’s Paramount-Skydance to get its mitts on Warner Bros. Discovery - just as soon as his Dad gets those billions in foreign capital deposited in the bank.

(Then Brian Stelter and all those other “lefty” journos over at CNN will come under the purview of Bari Weiss and her team, who are reshaping CBS News to be a much better news organization! One that is reporting the facts about how America is #winning more than Charlie Sheen in rehab.)

But you know who thought of this long before you were born, don’t you? The 37th President of these United States, Richard Milhous Nixon. Back in 1972, “Dick” Nixon was talking about yanking the TV and radio licenses of The Washington Post Company. (No, not the one that Jeff Bezos is doing a bang-up job with these days, but under the previous owner, Katharine Graham, whose paper was printing all that fake news about that “third-rate burglary” over at the Democratic National Committee’s office at the Watergate.)

Nixon basically had your idea, but he still had the legal tool of “The Fairness Doctrine” that would have made it a lot easier for the FCC to revoke broadcast licenses for not “playing ball”, whoops… we meant “putting out all that fake news.” The doctrine would have been great to have in your fight for making sure everything is right on radio and television. Unfortunately, that liberal snowflake Ronald Reagan had the doctrine abolished in 1987, under your then predecessor at the FCC, Dennis Patrick. They didn’t teach you that in the third grade, did they? Still too much wokeness in the public schools back then.

Of course, Congress tried to fix the matter by codifying the doctrine into law with “The Fairness in Broadcasting Act of 1987.” But again, President Reagan thwarted that brilliant plan with a pesky veto, which Congress didn’t have the votes to override. Hey, maybe you can get your pal Speaker Mike Johnson to bring back that kind of common-sense legislation in the House. Better make it soon, though; those midterms in November are coming up quickly, and who knows what the landscape will be like after the next few months?

Plus, if this whole situation in Iran leads to gas prices looking like egg prices from early last year, then the whole affordability thing might force even more people to give up all their streaming subscriptions and start watching more “free TV.”

One more thing, Chairman Carr. Don’t worry about anyone telling you that you are setting a bad precedent with your weekend message on social media. There’s nothing to worry about from a change in control of Congress this November or the election of a President from a different party in 2028. They wouldn’t possibly follow your lead and decide that all those conservative voices on talk radio need to be silenced by a future FCC. Who could possibly think that anyone would find the likes of Sean Hannity, Hugh Hewitt, Dana Loesch, Mark Levin, Dan Bongino, (and all their countless imitators), to be anything less than what real Americans need to hear 24/7 coming out of their radios.

That’s assuming we’ll even have elections later this year or in the future.

Remember, the American people believe that the folks in Washington always know what’s best for them. Plus, all those recently hired ICE agents are going to make solid “poll watchers,” so the situation supports your correct vision of what’s really “in the public interest.”

But Chairman Carr, you know what would really help things out? If you would expedite all those pending media deals that the FCC still has to approve. It will be far easier to get all these broadcasters in line if you finally set up just a few wealthy Republican Party donors to own all the radio and television stations across the country, with none of that crap about having some meaningless ownership cap. More consolidation means fewer people to get behind the message of the day, so perhaps you can get on that right away.

Whew. Seriously, folks—writing the previous nine paragraphs became less of an exercise in sarcasm and more of one to keep from vomiting all over the keyboard before us.

It’s hard to imagine a bigger toady in charge of the FCC. It really is. Carr’s weekend threat to the nation’s broadcasters is so overtly authoritarian that it defies belief, in an already unbelievable time we are living in. Even if there is a fairly low chance that the Commission could actually do anything the Chairman might fantasize about.

We’ve been thinking non-stop about what to label Brendan Carr that would be suitable for our audience's wide range of sensibilities. We were just about ready to give up when the Instagram account at @thealphawomenclub provided the answer with one of their “word of the day” entries.

Pronounced phonetically, the word is “kok-wom-buh-l.”

Defined as (n.) “A walking, talking waste of oxygen who speaks with full confidence and zero brain activity. A completely useless person that spots constant bullshit, repeats it louder, and acts shocked when everyone rolls their eyes.”

That seems about right.

Mr. Carr, you sir, are the very model of a Cockwomble.

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